Diving right into Elliot Bay flotsam I have predictions based on trends, history, and a mental disease.
Robinson Cano, with no protection in the lineup, will hit .257 with 21 homers and 62 rbis, locking up the Chone Figgins Award given only to a Seattle Mariner, due to the fact all their free agents turn out like Figgins.
Corey Hart goes 2-3 with a homer on opening day, but in his fourth at bat slides awkwardly into second and suffers a deviated rectum and is out for the season. Mariner fans are happy that it was not a knee injury. Conversely, Logan Morrison bats .216 with 6 homers and 38 at bats. Unfortunately he lasts the entire season as Mariner fans do not understand how he avoids a knee injury.
Franklin Gutierrez gets off to good start batting .265 with 15 homers, 46 rbis at the all-star break. But during batting practice following the all-star game he collapses, is rushed to the hospital where he is diagnosed with a sickness which baffles doctors all over the world, including Dr. Who. Franklin, however, is honored when they name the new disease Gutitis, a disease so mysterious it has no symptoms.
Taijuan Walker finishes the season 7-16, but leads the league with a 1.27 ERA and strikeouts per inning with 10.8. Meanwhile Felix Hernandez is traded to the New York Yankees for Ichiro, Michael Pineda, and an autographed picture of Phil Rizzuto.
Justin Smoak bats .238 with 22 homers and 19 rbis. That is not a typo. Justin becomes first player in history to have fewer rbis than home runs, but sabermetricians do the math and verify the numbers. Mariner GM, Trader Jack, believes Justin is one year away from stardom. He gives Justin the vote of confidence from his room at Western State sanatorium.
Chris Hansen, who was stiffed by the NBA to buy the Sacramento Kings and move them to Seattle as the Sonics, buys the Mariners from Nintendo. Safeco Field is renamed SubMariner Park after Subway buys naming right to stadium. Team also changes name to SubMariners and in press statement from Hansen, he states the name has nothing to do with the teams performance, but is meant to honor submarine sailors stationed at the naval base in Bremerton.
Mariner fans excited for 2015 with new owner, new stadium name, new team name, new manager Wally Backman, rumors of Mark McGwire coming out of retirement to DH for Seattle, and offer to all fans in attendance in 2015 with free sub sandwich each night Mariners attendance exceeds 1,200 on Mondays when Monday Night Football is on and Seahawks play anybody.
These predictions were written with the assistance of Trader Jack, my roommate at Western State. Happy New Year!