Why Mariner fans-especially me-hate the Oakland A’s

Once again the Oakland A’s crush the Mariners, destroy our hopes, ruin our baseball season. I hate them bums. I wrote earlier that if the Mariners went 14-10 in their remaining 24 games they would finish at .500, a decent 81-81 record for a team with no offense. But Oakland swept a three game series at Safeco-which is anything but safe when we play Oakland-and now Seattle has to go 14-7.  Ain’ t happening folks.

Seattle had a 7-6 season edge against the stinky A’s prior to the sweep, but are now 7-9 with three games left. Through 2007 the Mariners lifetime were 164-250 versus Rosemary’s babies, including a 69-140 record at Oakland. 69-140! Are you kidding me?  That is beyond dreadful. That is a hideous, deformed, frightening record. Whenever the Mariners play in Oakland, take your kids to Chucky Cheese. Tell them the TV is not working. Do anything, but don’t watch the game. It will not help your demeanor, your sanity, your well-being; it will only depress.

Why do I give the Mariner record versus Oakland only through 2007? I gave up looking after that. It was too scary. I can only take so much.

Playing Oakland is like a teen age boy on his first date. Stumbling, bumbling, stuttering, unsure how to act, what to say, always wondering how to score, but knowing no matter you do, there will be no score and you lose. Yes folks, that is the Mariners against Oakland. They can’t get to first base. There is no second date because next week she is out with the school quarterback, a high school all-american adept at completing passes and scoring.

That is life as a Mariner fan in general. We can’t win, but against Oakland the Mariners are worse than school nerds. At least they know how to run computers. The Mariners are the quiet kid in the back of the room with no friends who buttons his shirt-always long sleeves, even in summer-all the way to the top and shuffles more than walks.

Yes I hate the Oakland A’s. Always will. When they are in town I stay home and hide under my bed. It is the only safe place to be.

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